180. I write the number in my journal, slow and in bold. 150 calories for the almonds, 30 calories for the cream. That’s it for the day. And it’s too much. I can feel my heart accelerate as I picture 180 calories resting on my thighs. 180 calories that weren’t there this morning. 180 moments of regret. 180 units fatter. It’s only as I stand to rid myself of this new regret that I remember. Slowly, I cross out the 180. And replace it with 0 and allow a grin to break across my face. I forgot I threw it all up. 

 

Tonight sleep comes easily.