The etymological root of anorexia stems from the Greek word for longing. Of all the tropes I’ve heard surrounding eating disorders (starved for attention, love-starved, etc.) it’s this one that resonates the most.  Discussing disordered eating can feel impossibly difficult; the creation of this project was as therapeutic as it was painful. However, when I was at my worst, the thing I most longed for was the knowledge that someone else had experienced what I was going through. So, for the first time ever on paper, I have decided to share my experiences battling an eating disorder with the hope that a greater awareness and understanding of eating disorders may be achieved.

            The first month of college, I exercised aggressively almost daily.  The second month of college brought diet restrictions, obsessive weighing, and calorie counting.  By the third month of college, Bulimia had taken over.  When I returned home for Winter Break, I was roughly fifteen pounds lighter than when I had started. As I slowly began my road to recovery, friends who knew my story began to open up about theirs.  Sophomore year, my friend was hospitalized for a severe eating disorder. Junior year, friends from home and friends from college alike began discussing their eating disorders with me. And senior year, after three years of muted whispers about a mental disorder, three years of watching different friends slowly starve in front of me, three years of ignorant questions, and feeling a pressure to stay thin, I found myself praying to be able to share a store that haunts me still. 

            My Capstone project is modeled off the “choose your own reality” show, Bandersnatch.  Bandersnatch is an episode of Black Mirror in which viewers choose the character’s destiny. My intention with this project is clear: I want to provide a brief (and by no means all-encompassing) narrative of what one day of living with an eating disorder can feel like.  The genre chosen was intentional. In the realm of “Choose your own reality,” options are limited and it may be required to start over. This “choose your own reality” is intentionally circular and choices do not involve eating.  Oftentimes, when the pressure of a day became too much for me to handle, going to sleep provided was my only reprieve.  My hope is that providing a reality in which the only option is to continue with the day, I may reflect how dominating disordered thinking can be. Hopefully, the reader may get a sense of how difficult it is to change eating behaviors.  Further, I’d like to make sure that it is clear how “fine” things may seem externally for someone struggling with disordered eating.  Additionally, this site contains an informational page on different types of eating disorders and resources for those who may be struggling. 

            Despite a widespread prevalence on campus, eating disorders are often missing from mental health conversations.  Frequently we say things that may reinforce negative behaviors for those with eating disorders.  We praise them for losing weight, and encourage them to maintain their weight loss.  If you are struggling with an eating disorder, this project may be a way to tell loved ones some of the feelings you find impossible to articulate.  But this is my story not yours, and I am aware that it may not represent one modicum of the way you felt.  At the very least, I pray it makes you feel less alone.